hirtzenocker (hirtzenocker) wrote in the_wrong_kid,

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Time for change, so help me Jeebus!

Someday, I want to be somebody's priority person. I want to actually be thought of before, not after, and I want the people around me every day to try, to be thoughtful and helpful and considerate.

Theoretically, that's what family is for, unless you're me (or one of us).

For example: Mom pretty much refuses to cook dinner when I say I'm too tired to cook. If I want dinner, I have to make it, end of story, except on those rare occasions when she's decided she wants to eat out, and then (if we're home together) I'm invited along. Of course, that means putting up with Mexican food, unless we go to the Haggen food court. Sorry, but it's just not my idea of "going out to eat"!

If I cook for myself and it smells particularly good, Mom expect that I'm sharing with her, especially if I've made one of my famous omelettes. Doesn't ask before hand, oh no; waits till I'm dishing myself up and asks "So where's mine?". The annoying part is that she means it.

Half the time Mom coats dinner in pepper, lemon pepper or garlic pepper, regardless of what the dish is intended to be. If it's meat, she whips out the spicy BBQ sauce. No appreciation of subtleties or savouriness there! I find it offensive that cooking to suit my own tastes is treated with the same regard as dinner at Denny's.

Now that I'm trying to arrange to go back to school, I feel completely unsupported. I try to talk about it, but Mom's completely unresponsive, and Jeff just asks when I'm going to move out, and starts going off about my brother-in-law. Aside from the part where I'm not him, or them (sorry Kass!), and I take up much less space, and make a point of doing household repairs in front of him to prove my usefulness, Jeff just keeps going on and on inanely--some odd shit about a how all I do is laze around and take up space and mooch and move shit around blah blah blah. The man has no appreciation for a clean, functional home, which it sure as hell wouldn't be if I weren't here.

Mom says she doesn't know how to help me go back to school, so she just ignores the topic altogether. In fact, she's not very communicative about useful or important things. She expects me to somehow just "know" about things, like what's going on or how she feels or what's being considered important. She doesn't tell much, and she doesn't ask at all. My coworkers are more interested in my life than my own mother! Yet she'll talk to Ari on the phone for hours at a time, and they talk every day....Of course, they probably just talk about the tv shows they watch and colours of paint as Ari's been remodeling their house.

One would think that Jeff would be supportive of my decision to go into the building industry. One would think that he'd be motivated at the chance to send me to school far away and get my unwelcome presence out of his house. One would think! But no, that would take too much thinking.

I'm so frustrated I could cry, and this morning's bank issue just weights it down. I need to get the hell out of this house, but I have zero resources at this time, and really need to focus on figuring out the school thing first. I know I need to be patient, and then I can go away from these crazy people who are supposed to be my family, and get back to having a life. That doesn't make it easier, patience has always been the most difficult of virtues for me, and I just spilled my full glass of cold water all down my front and all over the carpet.

Stopping now before this becomes a tangental rant on why I hate wall-to-wall carpeting.

Some days I wish I could be one of those people who are happy with their quiet, staid little lives, keeping the same job and not moving around.

Oh, and crossposted to hirtzenocker, just because I feel like sharing my whining with the world.
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